Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Dear Diary...

Dear Diary,

So. Clearly I haven't posted anything in about two weeks. I blame this little fact on LIFE. Well, actually, I would LIKE to blame life but I think I will blame REALITY instead. Life goes on around me and mentally I sometimes shut down. Luckily for me, when it comes to work I move in autopilot so I don't have to be fully present mentally to get the job done physically. 

Well. At least that's what I thought. These past two weeks that I haven't written I lost two people very close to me. One I grew with for almost a decade and one I've watched grow. One whom I share a bloodline with and another who is family but doesn't share a drop of blood with me. I pushed myself to keep going because I know life will keep going around me and I fear I'll get left behind. I force myself to bury my emotions because I don't want to appear broken, although if anything were to break me this would be it. I force myself to not only stand up straight and shake it off, but I hold others up and encourage them to move forward. If I'm not a hypocrite I don't know who is.

 I'm trying to become more in tune with my emotions. Whatever that means. It's hard because it's something new and unfamiliar but I feel as if it's necessary. Recently I felt like life was suffocating me. I feel like life is suffocating me. I think my biggest mistake came when I tried to push myself forward too soon. I won't share a proposal until its perfect. I won't post a recap until I've read, shared, and re-read. Basically I never do things prematurely. I have no idea why I never thought to apply my business life to my personal life. I shouldn't try to force myself through things. I need to take time to myself, come to terms with life, then move forward. One of my biggest fears is that I will become complacent with what I consider to be mediocrity. But. If I continue to delay my personal growth there's no way I can thrive professionally because as much as I try to separate the two lives I still am and always will be only one person.
@ms_shady (instagram + twitter)

1 comment:

  1. Thats deep. 1. I want 2 say sorry 4 your lost. I pray not only for you, but your family(ies) also. I 2 often feel much of the same feelings trying 2 push myself through situations & through life in general while not wanting to become a complacent &/or a product of my environment. In the process turning away from my feelings, all the while giving advice & being everybody else's shoulder 2 cry on, crutch, & ear of listening. Its a tough and often times lonely place to be in. Its kind of like a preacher. The preacher preaches & prays for everybody in the church, but who preaches and prays for the preacher. What I have found is that going through life like this is unhealthy. Because u not only bottle up your emotions 4 your own situations, you also take on the problems of others. The weight of the world is on your shoulders & if u have no outlet/way 2 channel this, it can cause mental & physical harm. Find an outlet. The 2nd part of it is you have to get better with forcing your feelings aside. Your human. Your allowed to grief, your allowed to cry your allowed to.....FEEL. When you do that you force a numbness to things where you shouldnt. This can be problematic because eventually you'll begin to short change yourself by not allowing yourself to fully open up to whatever "it" is. Theres a scripture in the Bible, Psalms 55:22 says "Cast thy burdens upon the Lord and he shall sustain thee". As for the "becoming numb" thing, Live and enjoy every day like its ya last because u never know when that time can come. I hope this helps. God bless & I love u sis ;-)


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