numb. or not.

TheFreeDictionary.com defines 'numb' as: "emotionally unresponsive."

I thought I was numb but I'm actually the complete opposite of that. I've felt every emotion imaginable in the past 24 hours. Denial, frustration, anger, confusion, pain. I've laughed, cried, screamed. I took a walk. I took a nap. I ignored some calls. I answered some texts. I think I'm still in some weird, warped form of denial. The loss of a loved one is insane. It's motions you go through and emotions you're absorbed in. And it never gets easier. In fact, I feel like as you get older and as more people begin to return home way too soon it's like, "oh no, not another funeral!"

When I was younger I wasn't where I am religiously or mentally. I didn't fully understand the power of having your whole life ahead of you and making every moment count. I surely didn't understand that you can't question His timing. You rely on it daily so to question it is absurd. I'm stuck because even though we say, "life is too short" you don't actually believe that your circle could be penetrated by these four short words. But it happens far too often. It's happened far too often.

Whenever I hear of someone passing I always ask God to cover my family and friends. And I mean it. Not because it's appropriate to say but because I've felt the pain of losing a loved one and I don't want to feel it again. I don't want anyone else to feel that feeling. My eyes are red from crying. My arms are tired from wiping my tears. My head hurts and I'm not sure if I'm thinking too hard or crying too hard. I know my heart didn't stop beating but at one point I'm certain I stopped breathing. It's so much to take in. Too much to take in. I don't want to stand in a house that I've come to comfortably for years and fidget awkwardly in front of someone's Mom or Dad because their child was snatched away from them and, as I struggle to say the appropriate things, I realize I can barely find any words of comfort because I myself am mourning...

Such is life I suppose...

Please keep the family + friends of Ali Atif in your prayers.